To make a mistake

At Double Wars I spoke briefly with a young female squire, who is fairly fresh at fighting, and she mentioned an issue that has plagued me as well: that in melee scenarios, she finds herself hanging back, afraid that she might do something wrong.

It hasn't really left me since, and I wonder whether this is an inherent issue in minority fighters, or whether it is more widespread but doesn't get acknowledged. Further, I wonder whether this translates into one-to-one fighting, as well, and whether it is a factor in holding us back.

I suspect that this issue becomes more sensitive with people who have been socialised to avoid making any kind of fuss, to strive for perfectionism in all areas of life. Some people say "Sorry" excessively, apologising for any minor real and imagined trespass. Many people are socialised to feel accountable to (patriarchal) authority figures. SCA fighting is full of patriarchal authority figures, and those who are not but feel that they ought to be. Many people are also socialised to be afraid of male anger and its unpredictable consequences. I can see a situation where a less experienced fighter makes a mistake, and some others on the same side lose it a bit in the heat of the moment and adrenaline and say things they don't necessarily mean in tones and volume they don't necessarily mean at all.

They're your mates. But you've accidentally made them angry. You did that. Holy shit.

And you've disappointed them.

And they're going to go away thinking, wow, Agnes is such a noobass, never going to want to play with her again.

And what if they're not going to like you again?

My best fights have happened when I have not been emotionally invested in the outcome, or I have been in the very fine zone just before exhaustion, when I move in what to me feels like exaggerated patterns. I get into the flow when I let go. Imagine if you could just let go in all your fights, one to one and melee alike. Not be afraid to throw yourself into it, go full on Leeroy Jenkins with the knowledge that even if it doesn't work out, at least it'll be awesome, in some direction.

I don't know how to address this issue. Some of it seems to get a bit better simply with experience. Maybe we should all talk about our fuckups more. Maybe the commanders of melee teams need to explicitly say in the beginning of a melee tourney that making mistakes is okay (and if it was me, I'd say they'll be welcome, because a mistake means that something was done, so at least there was activity). And maybe those of us who are affected by this issue need to have a deep extended look at ourselves, and see what we can do for ourselves. Listen to the usual encouragement in the beginning of any tourney to have fun, and be aware that those words in themselves contain the permission to make mistakes. And each fighter everywhere can keep an eye out for others. Don't let anyone get away with losing their temper in the field. If someone makes a mistake, let them know that it's okay - because it has to be okay.